Thursday, September 08, 2005


by: Ava In today’s political atmosphere Democrats are often seen as the opposition.They are made out to be tree huggers, hippies, communists, atheists, terrorists, andover all, the bad guys. However, Republicans are seen as god loving, patriotic, and thegood guys. So what is it about the Republicans that make them the good guys and howdo you become a Republican? Well it’s a lot simpler than you think. In reality, theRepublican Party can be summed up in one word. HYPOCRISY. So sit back, relax andenjoy your rules of becoming a Republican. Who needs Lincoln when you have Dubya?Below are some of the views and positions that Republicans stand for:Pro-Life: • A great tactic that many Republicans use is attacking their Democratic running mateas being an ungodly, pro-abortion baby killer- while you are a pro-life man of god.• Being pro-life doesn’t mean you have to be pro-“life”- it’s more like being a cheerleader forfetuses. • Being pro-life doesn’t mean you can’t take your mistress to get an abortion, it just meansyou can’t let anyone find out about it.• Make sure you use the term “pro-life” as often as possible. It just sounds better than“anti-abortion” or “anti-women’s rights.”Anti-Gay Rights:• Make sure when discussing gay rights you bring up that the bible says thatbeing gay is wrong. It doesn’t matter if you know the section of the bible says this becauseif you act like you read it, people think you read it.• When talking about gay rights make sure that you point out that giving the "homos"rights is an attack on families. Don’t bother to explain why, just as long as you make sureyou talk about how every child needs a mother and a father. This may not be the actual topicof conversation, but it is an old trick in the book that fools anyone.• Make sure that you talk about how if we allow gays to marry we might also have toallow polygamy, and various other types of marriage.Support Our Troops:• When we say “Support Our Troops” we don’t actually mean that you have to supportthe troops. We mean that you should support the war that they are in. If they die it’s their ownfault, because they signed up for it.• Yellow ribbons are a MUST! Make sure you have a yellow magnetic ribbon on all ofyour cars, right next to your old “Bush-Cheney ‘04” sticker.• Whenever some liberal begins to talk about how we need to bring our troops home,just talk about how we have to stay over there to finish the job they started. Make sure you throwin that this is the way to honor the troops.• If the mother of a soldier who died wants to meet with you- meet with her, but only if shesupports the war. You don’t have time to meet with the mothers who are against the war, becauseyou have a life to live: but you do have time to talk about how anti-war moms “weaken” America. Alsohave your aides dig up any dirt they can.The War on Terrorism:• Make sure that you call the War in Iraq the “War on Terrorism” or “Operation IraqiFreedom.” By doing this you make what we are doing over there seem noble. Also, talk about howterrorists “hate us for our freedoms.” • When someone brings up that no WMD’s were found, just say that they are there somewhereand just hidden. Talk about how Saddam hid them all, and it’s just a matter of time before they are found.• Talk about how evil Saddam was and how we are liberating Iraqis. Make sure that you don’tmention how more Iraqis are dying of violent deaths now, than they were before we took Saddam out ofpower. Mention that the Iraqis are happy now and they are free.• Make sure you mention how terrorists are in their “last throes”, and how it’s only a matter oftime before they give up.Tax Cuts:• When discussing tax cuts don’t bother to mention how they only cut the taxes for theupper class: and put more pressure on the lower and middle classes. If you don’t mention it, peoplewon’t know about it.• Make sure to bring up the fact that Democrats want to raise taxes. Remember to fail tomention that they want to raise it for the upper class. If you don’t mention this, people assume thateveryone gets a tax raise, and you’ve successfully fooled everyone.Stem Cell Research:• This issue ties in with being pro-life. Make sure to use one word over and over.Fetus, Fetus, Fetus.• Remember not to mention how stem cell research could save lives, but how it destroysthem. Formore, see “Pro-Life.”Christianity:• Make sure that religion is one of your big issues and associate yourself with the Religious Right.Try to get ties with some of the big Christian Organization Leaders. Most of them will sell out, it just a matterof how much you’re willing to pay.• Play off of people’s beliefs and the church. Make sure that you talk about how Christians areconservatives. If people talk about how Jesus taught love, just make sure to talk about how the bible is against"homos" and abortion and how Liberals support both. If you do this the right way, you can successfully changethe topic without anyone knowing. If you stick to the issues stated above, you can keep the discussion in your control and successfullymanipulate people to support and agree with you. If you have done this then you have successfully become aRepublican. Congratulations and good job. Remember… Hypocrisy = Democracy.


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