Tuesday, October 25, 2005

BLUE STATES ! RED STATES !

The party that so gloriously brought this country the fabulous Red Scare of the 1950s, in a bit of an about-face, has now made the godly throughout America scared they are not a Red. State, that is. With this in mind, I have drafted this handy list as a quick reference to determine if you are living in one of those demon-infested Blue States – or Jesusland!
Blue States:
Home of good schools
Red States:
Homeskooled good
Blue States:
Want a big tent for their Party.
Red States:
Wears a big tent to her party.
Blue States:
Favor electric cars
Red States:
Favor electric chairs
Blue States:
Concerned about ballooning deficits' effect on capital markets turning gains into thin air
Red States:
Concerned about whether it's demons that make balloons float in thin air
Blue States:
Dream of making enough money to kite and swim with Czechs in Biarritz
Red States:
Dream of kiting enough checks to swim in Schlitz
Blue States:
Favor institutionalized health care for the poor
Red States:
Favor institutionalizing the poor
Blue States:
After the 9/11 attacks, put coffins in the ground
Red States:
After the 9/11 attacks, put magnetic flags on the car
Blue States:
Forget that God did not give Adam a Steve
Red States:
Forget that not only did God give Abraham three wives, He gave Solomon 300 concubines
Blue States:
Enormous cities that serve as the engines of human progress
Red States:
Enormous Hummers that serve as the engines for Arab oil
Blue States:
Provide the "tax" part of "tax and spend"
Red States:
Provide the "spend on a new 8-lane highway to link a Wal-Mart to the Olive Garden"
part of "tax and spend"
Blue States:
Believe we're all brothers and sisters under the skin.
Red States:
Don't mind if we're brothers and sisters under the sheets.
Blue States:
Fighting to clean up skid row
Red States:
Fighting to clean up skid marks
Blue States:
9/11 survivors mourned at night as the television coverage showed those killed
Red States:
Mourned television coverage of 9/11 that killed that night's "Survivor" show
Blue States:
Concerned about global warming
Red States:
Don't like to travel and are too fat to fit in an airline seat anyway, so glad to hear that the tropics are coming to Texas. Yee-haw!
Blue States:
Follow Jesus, but doesn't believe in Him
Red States:
Believe in Jesus, but doesn't follow Him
Blue States:
Want to repeal the Patriot Act
Red States:
Want to repeal the Emancipation Proclamation
Blue States:
Looking for a method to weaken China every day
Red States:
Sold everyday china for a weekend of meth
Blue States:
Favor drafting annoying laws on assault rifles
Red States:
Assault annoying in-laws with rifles after being drafted
Blue States:
Want the right for everyone to worship as they choose
Red States:
Want the right to choose everyone's worship
Blue States:
Champion women wrestling with the right to choose
Red States:
Choose women's wrestling championships
Blue States:
Want a rational energy policy
Red States:
Want policy of energetic irrationalism
Blue States:
Used benefits to assist victims on account of attacks
Red States:
Used attacks to benefit Toby Keith's bank account
Blue States:
Watched friends in New York die in foxy attacks on America
Red States:
Attack New York on Fox for not being friends of America
Blue States:
Believe God loves us and gave everyone free will to be different
Red States:
Believe God willed us to freely hate everyone different
Blue States:
Believe absence makes the heart grow fonder
Red States:
Believe abstinence saves the tart from plunder
Blue States:
Believe in Mr. Darwin's theory of "Evolution"
Red States:
Believe in Mr. Jesus' "Talking Snake" theory
Blue States:
Slave to pay inheritance taxes
Red States:
Inherited slaves
Blue States:
Buy art
Red States:
Collect Beanie Babies

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks!

Zach

4:47 PM  

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