Thursday, January 19, 2006

Learn the Rules For Our New Theocracy !!!!

Now that Mayor Ray Chocolate Milk of New Orleans has weighed in about God punishing Black Americans, it’s time for an annual review of the new theocracy we find ourselves living in.

Based on the statements of Nagin, Pat Robertson and numerous government officials - including the Supreme Court - here’s the outline of what you need to know:

1) It’s okay for terminally ill Oregonians to die, because it’s a blue state. A person with irreversible brain damage in a swing state must be kept alive however, in case Katherine Harris needs one more vote to declare a GOP victory. And a person with irreversible brain damage in a Jewish state is expendable because God’s the landowner and He hates subdivisions almost as much as He hates Palestinians and Oregonians and Gulf Coast blacks.

Thou shalt put no other God before Him.

2) If a nation comparable in size to ours develops weapons of mass destruction comparable to ours, we must utilize all available means within Constitutional law to exceed their weapons cache. If other, mostly smaller nations, spend 30 to 50 years pursuing similar weapons, we must try to utilize treaties to slow down such proliferation.

However, if one individual utilizes an old technique -hijacking an airline - in a creative and deadly new way, then expresses a desire to pursue the weapons it took every nation decades to build, then we must grant our President the right to suspend the Constitution, to spy on tens of millions of Americans who’ve never espoused similar desires to possess nukes, to wage war on any nation whose leaders he doesn’t like, to torture and murder suspects convicted of nothing, to implement gag orders on innocent librarians and book store personnel, to send troops to battle with inferior protective equipment, and to enrich business cronies and campaign contributors via war profiteering.

Thou shalt honor thy motherfucker of a President and destroy all Constitutional freedoms or the terrorists win.

3) And don’t even think of criticizing the President or you’ll be smitten.

Thou shalt bear false witness against every presidential opponent, whether they are experts or former heroes in intelligence, military strategy, science, economics, diplomacy or ethics.

4) If you watch Brokeback Mountain or support gay cowboyism or engage in any sex outside marriage and outside the missionary position, God will treat you like you’re black.

Thou shalt keep the Aryan heterosexual Sabbath holy.

5) Israel’s eager to take cash infusions from rightwing evangelicals who plan to build a Christian Disneyland in the Holy Land. Unless an evangelical disparages an incapacitated Jewish leader. So while Pat Robertson is temporarily persona non grata in the Holy Land, every other wingnut bearing bulging wallet is redcarpetted.

As for the Christian Disneyland, it leads to one conclusion:

Thou must accept Mickey Christ as thy saviour. You can read it right there in the Neo Testament, in the Gospel According to Saint Goofy.

6) As soon as eMoses returns from the Data Mountain with the rest of the Neo Commandments, I’ll fill you in on the rest of our great new theocracy. Till then, may all your Mickeymases be White.

Update: Two more arrived…

7) Thy body is mine, bitch!

8) Vengeance is mine, but I rent it out to every yayhoo freak who digs the sadism. Everybody must get stoned.

By Kevin Hayden 6:58 am Religion/Faith, Comedy & Satire, Civil Liberties


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