Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime,
unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an
illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United
Nations, and our highest national priority is
enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business
and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use
marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

"Standing Tall for America'" means firing your
workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her
own body, but, multi-national corporations can make
decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of
homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise
the troops in speeches while slashing veterans'
benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless
you someday run for governor of California as a
Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents
won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our
long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and
money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of
the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk
science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad
guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when
Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush
needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an
impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist
support for a war in which thousands die is solid
defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named
in the Constitution, which include banning gay
marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's
cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is
none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney
General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter
initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital
national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is
irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is
communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital
to a spirit of international harmony.

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