Friday, February 24, 2006

South Dakota: Where Rapists Live Forever!

by Bob Cesca
READ MORE: New York Times, 2006

The great state of South Dakota. The home of Mount Rushmore, Deadwood, and... Mount Rushmore! And now, after the passage of new legislation this week, South Dakota can add something even more special to its license plates: The Home of Rapist Bastard Children!

That's right, rapists. If you want your twisted, evil chromosomes to live forever, South Dakota welcomes you with open arms.

lawmakers in Pierre passed a law which prevents your victims from aborting your rapist children, even if your rapist child is just a clump of a dozen rapist cells.

Break out the celebratory cigars, Rapist Dad, because now you can sleep at night, comforted with the knowledge that any woman you assault and violate -- perhaps torture -- won't be allowed to abort the fruit of all your planning, stalking, and raping.

Whether your victim is a young girl or a pre-menopausal older woman, they're stuck with you. So while you relax in your rubber pants gazing up at the wall filled with the clandestinely attained photographs of your past and present victims, you'll be satisfied to know that there's a good chance several of them will be the Mommy to your bastard rapist baby.

Maybe the rapist child will have your eyes, or your embarrassingly sweaty palms. Maybe your child will have the gene that eventually triggered your decision to become a rapist. Then one day, should the stars align, you and your rapist offspring will reunite -- perhaps walking hand-in-hand down to the playground after dark to rape someone together as father and son. But don't expect greeting cards from your rapist children. South Dakota isn't quite ready for "Happy Father's Day... To My Dad Who Is A Rapist!" cards. Yet.

Even if you're arrested and convicted, or if you're crafty enough to get away with it, you can rest assured knowing that your victim will have a daily reminder of you for the rest of her life. It's like a walking, talking, breathing post card of your time together -- a cherubic face in the back seat saying to her on the way to therapy, "Hey Victim! Me again. Your rapist. I brutally raped you, thus ruining your life and now you get to sacrifice your remaining years raising my rapist child! A child who looks almost exactly like me -- the dude who raped you!"

So if you have a penchant for homespun frontier living; a natural urge to procreate; and are a rapist, then South Dakota could be your next home or vacation destination.


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