Wednesday, June 21, 2006

What You Now Need to Believe To Be A Republican

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals, Arabs, and Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney and Rumsfeld did business with him,
and a bad guy when Bush couldn't find Bin Laden.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with Vietnam and China is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body,
but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms aren't addressed in schools , adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle and antagonize our
long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy,
but providing healthcare to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests
of the public at heart.
Global warming is junk science,
but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades,
but George Bush's and Dick Cheney's driving records
are none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host.
Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

Supporting "Executive Privilege" is imperative for every Republican
ever born, who will be born or who might be born in perpetuity.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

There's nothing wrong with supporting drunken hunters who shoot
their friends, blaming the friends for looking too much like quail.

Friends don't let friends vote Republican.


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